Samantha Wilk, 2023

I have to make something perfectly clear, I am NOT a sex therapist. The closest credentials I have to sex therapy are: I taught sexual education in high school, I’ve accumulated a lot of sexual health information on my own, and I have a very welcoming presence. When I tell my peers I’m going to be a sex therapist, they immediately jump right into the deep end and ask me their most pressing questions. I’ve been giving sexual health advice to my friends since I was nine, so I never felt apprehensive when my peers pounced at the opportunity to ask me questions. In particular, I love the questions my male peers have to ask. It’s not that they have better questions, rather, it’s their first time speaking them out loud. Most of the time, these questions

aren't unique. So if you are a man who wishes a NOT sex therapist would stumble across your path, here are the most common questions your brothers have been asking me.

 

How do I ask a girl to have sex without sounding like I’m going to rape her?

Great question! You are definitely not the only person who has this question. You’re worried because your only examples of asking a woman to have sex is crude, and you don’t want to be, “one of the bad ones.” If you’re trying to ask for sex in a respectful manner, I’m going to suggest speaking from the heart. Whether it’s a tinder hookup or your committed partner, sex is a deep tool for human connection. Being upfront can only be beneficial. If being upfront and respectful ends the relationship, that just means you aren’t supposed to connect with that person on a sexual level. Tell your partner you’d like to have a conversation about sexual boundaries. Here are some things you can bring up when you start the conversation.

● What are you looking for out of a partner when it comes to sex?

● What do you enjoy?

● What do you like your partner to know ahead of time?

● I enjoy receiving/giving oral sex. Is that something you’re interested in?

 

Is it gay to ask my girlfriend to peg me?

Do not worry, I only have good news when it comes to this question. First, anything that a man could sexually do with a woman is not gay, unless they ask a man to be their third or something like that. There is nothing gay about a man fantasizing about his girlfriend touching his biologically curated g-spot. Second, it would be totally cool if you think about doing gay things. Sexuality is a spectrum, if your girlfriend can’t honor that, I promise you there is someone better for you out there. Every person deserves to have a partner who inspires them to be their most authentic self. As long as your sexual activity is consensual and not hurting anyone else, it’s cool in my book.

 

How do I find the clitoris?

Start by gently opening the vulva lips on either side. At the top you’ll see a little triangle. Right under that is a little circle. That’s the clitoris. It’s totally normal if you do these steps and still not identify the clitoris. The clitoris is best found when it is erect. You can’t always physically see if the clitoris is erect depending on its size, so I’m gonna recommend you find it with your finger. Gently tap the clitoral hood. Two seconds on, two seconds off. Watch your partner's reaction to indicate when to speed up. When you feel a tiny marble against your finger(s), you’ve found it. Remember finding the clit and foreplay are two different things. When it comes to satisfying vaginas, it’s good to begin by greasing the wheels.

 

If I see an entrancing woman on the street, how do I best approach her?

Simply put, please don’t. As wonderful as you might be, it’s quite terrifying as a woman to be stopped on the street. You know how kids of all genders are taught about stranger danger? Your parents told you not to help someone find their dog, take candy, don’t believe it when a stranger says your mom sent me to get you, etc. They’re not trying to tell you all strangers are bad, but these are the kinds of things people do to kids. When you’re a woman, men approaching us on the street with sexual intentions is at the top of our stranger danger list. At six years old, I was playing in my yard and a woman I did not recognize came up to me. She had the biggest smile on her face and asked me my name. I told her, “my parents told me not to tell strangers my

name.” At the time, my elementary school principal was my neighbor, and his wife had just got done talking to my mom. Mrs. Enderly wasn’t offended that I didn’t trust her because in the context in my brain, I was her target. Men, when you get the urge to approach a stranger in public and they reject you, your response should model Mrs. Enderly’s. It’s crucial to romantic and sexual relationships that it’s based on safety, and that’s just not something that can be provided by men who stop us on the street.

 

Why can’t I have sex with a woman when she’s drunk?

Planned Parenthood uses the acronym FRIES to explain the necessary steps to consent: Freely given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, Specific. When too intoxicated, these steps can not be completed. For more information, I am going to direct you to what the Alcohol and Drug Foundation has to say.

 

What if I’m not ready to have sex?

Just because you are a man does not mean you have to be a sex machine. That’s just a stereotype our patriarchal society has created. You’re a human being who deserves to take one step at a time, especially a decision as heavy as sex. If you feel pressure or resentment from your partner to rip off the bandaid and just get it over with, that is not the right person for you. Looking back at FRIES, consent can only be given if both parties are enthusiastic. Just because you’re a cisman does not mean you biologically always want to have sex, again, that is merely a stereotype. If your partner believes in this stereotype, they are not educated enough to connect with another person via sex.

 

It’s quite magical when someone I barely know treats me like an all-knowing guide to their most intimate sexual questions. People ask me questions like these as if they’ve never eaten a meal their whole lives and I’m an all you can eat buffet. Human beings are starved of sexual health education and it’s time society fulfills these needs. Where do we even begin something like this? Easy, it all starts by asking someone you trust a question.